Post by Pinkline Jones on Aug 18, 2003 2:20:41 GMT 10
It seems obvious to me that many self-proclaimed superstars were underprepared for their auditions in many areas. To avoid embarrassment and being snubbed by audiences when you return to the local karaoke I recommend you adhere to the following recommendations:
1) EYEBROWS - If you have them then shave them off. Many a bushy eyebrow has ruined a good song and when you get bread crumbs stuck in them its time to reassess your future but more immediately your table manners. The brows can be best removed with the assistance of a trusted friend. Bunsen burners work well else a Sensor Excel blade.
2) CORN ROWS - I don't even know what these are? I've heard of crop circles so I guess they must be in the same vein. Too much corn and fibre in the diet is not good. In fact steer clear of things like cabbage rolls, dried apricots and doner kebabs - the flatulence tends to fog up the expensive cameras which then could make you legally bound for lens damage.
3) HOW TO WIN OVER MARK HOLDEN - A bucketful or Patterson's Curse dropped from a good height with a house brick can pep up any performance and if the judges think you're crap then you can smoke the residue with them after the show.
4) HOW TO WIN OVER MARCIA - Rolling around the floor naked covered in Apricot yoghurt and kikuyu grass clippings is not a good look but if the yoghurt is low fat and free range and you look pitiful enough you could just touch her heart.
5) HOW TO WIN OVER DICKO - No corn rows, eye brows, excess body hair, tinea, inverted testicles, dilated pupils and avoid strangling the song. If you wish to vocal self-abuse on stage please don't - restrict such acts to the privacy of your own bedroom.
6) DON'T KID YOURSELF - if only one third of the audience at karaoke generally applauds you (apart from then don't attempt an audition.......more later
1) EYEBROWS - If you have them then shave them off. Many a bushy eyebrow has ruined a good song and when you get bread crumbs stuck in them its time to reassess your future but more immediately your table manners. The brows can be best removed with the assistance of a trusted friend. Bunsen burners work well else a Sensor Excel blade.
2) CORN ROWS - I don't even know what these are? I've heard of crop circles so I guess they must be in the same vein. Too much corn and fibre in the diet is not good. In fact steer clear of things like cabbage rolls, dried apricots and doner kebabs - the flatulence tends to fog up the expensive cameras which then could make you legally bound for lens damage.
3) HOW TO WIN OVER MARK HOLDEN - A bucketful or Patterson's Curse dropped from a good height with a house brick can pep up any performance and if the judges think you're crap then you can smoke the residue with them after the show.
4) HOW TO WIN OVER MARCIA - Rolling around the floor naked covered in Apricot yoghurt and kikuyu grass clippings is not a good look but if the yoghurt is low fat and free range and you look pitiful enough you could just touch her heart.
5) HOW TO WIN OVER DICKO - No corn rows, eye brows, excess body hair, tinea, inverted testicles, dilated pupils and avoid strangling the song. If you wish to vocal self-abuse on stage please don't - restrict such acts to the privacy of your own bedroom.
6) DON'T KID YOURSELF - if only one third of the audience at karaoke generally applauds you (apart from then don't attempt an audition.......more later