Post by Pinkline Jones on Nov 8, 2004 10:53:29 GMT 10
Back to the 70s…….and what better way to commence the show than with a quip from the funniest man since Rove, the comedy maven, James “The Great Condescender” Mathieson. In an audacious attempt to steal some thunder from Channel 7’s Melbourne Cup Spring Racing telecast, Matho touched down (in his head only) early with the “Box Trifecta” punchline which will no doubt have Channel 7 Execs pummeling each others head in trying to apportion blame as to why this boy genius got under the guard.
Marcia The Cliché, not to be outdone by Matho, machine gunned us early with a continuation on Matho’s equine theme:
“We’re down to the wire” followed up, before you could say – WHEN WILL THIS CRAP BE AXED – with “It doesn’t get better than this” and “It’s all Good”. Now I don’t know what exactly constitutes Marcia’s record collection but if someone can convince me that one of these overrated singing clowns is musically worth more than three seconds of an Antonio Carlos Jobim melody, on Jobim’s worst day, then I will get down on my knees and lick Courtney’s armpit sweat off the dance floor.
COURTNEY THE CABBAGE PATCH DOLL
SONG ONE
Kicking off with Queen’s “Somebody to Love” - The Pissed Off Eye at Mark Holden for a Criticised Guy – Big Courts gave us more regurgitated slops from the Murphy music kitchen with a Porkmanlike working of an average Queen song. The vocal was not aided by a too loud percussion section and the whole thing sounded like it was emanating from deep within a garbage can. Fashion-wise, Porkney was the quintessential Lowes Menswear Ad and choreographically, this was an act in desperate need of Greg Norman’s golf cart. 4/10.
Marcia soldiered on oblivious to the Guinness Book of World Record Rep seated in the front row. One more cliché and Marcia sets a new mark. “At this point in time”, and “With all due respect” brought her agonisingly close.
SONG TWO
Bryan Adams vocal style ad nauseam, this time in the form of Paul McCartney’s touching “My Love”. We got the standard interpretation – as done the karaoke world over - nothing inventive. Once again the percussion was too loud and the overall musical arrangement wall of sound was an annoyance. Sung competently enough but Porkney gets a point deducted for his comment that he knew the song was “daggy”. 4/10
CAKESTACKS DONUTVAN
SONG ONE
The other big karaoke heavyweight, second semitrailer off the rank with Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain”. One of the most repulsive, kebab reflux interpretations of a song I have had the displeasure of listening to. Donutvan totally missed the power of Simon’s subtlety in expressing her own true life feelings and instead chose to screw up her face to grotesque extremes and ram the song message home like a runaway Sherman tank over the testicles. This had all the feel and sincerity of a WWF wrestler goading an opponent. Holden gave away another silly totally unwarranted touchdown but this show is sinking to such low levels that I guess they have to try anything now. 2/10
SONG TWO
After a shocking opening number, Cakestacks blasted her way back into contention with an excellent crafting of “Misty Blue”. Beautiful song sung with exquisite control and variation in the right places. Out of all the remanining singers – Casey, when she sings well, has the most pure, dulcet tone.
Clearly the best work of the night whilst the bizarre Marcia suggested the song needed more grunt. SHUT UP MARCIA. 7/10
THE LYGON SHETLAND
SONG ONE
After being dislodged in the mounting yard from She’s Archie at last Tuesday’s Melbourne Cup, a limping Anthony courageously fronted for this week’s show and Toto’s “Hold the Line” was the strategy for the first plan of attack in his quest to make the Opera House Final. Not having listened or either not having been told about his much publicised annoying mike-tapping, Shetland tapped on in with a musical diction grab direct from the handbook of Millsy Mills “Starn in the wee that you worm me”. Sounded like a bloke gargling his ball nuts in a glass of listermint. 5/10
SONG TWO
Trust the Shetland to try his luck with this melodramatic Paul Simon saccharine trip. Essendon Lawn Bowls Association welcomes to centre stage, Mr Anthony Callea, the Robbie Williams Mini Me Wannabe. Peter Cupples sings Dennis Walter sings Anthony Warlow – a sickening phlegmatic concoction strained through Marina Prior’s Bonds, awful, yelling, light and shadeless free plug for Excecutive B anti stress pills. 3/10.
TO GO: It’s time to be winched out of the house Porkney.
Marcia The Cliché, not to be outdone by Matho, machine gunned us early with a continuation on Matho’s equine theme:
“We’re down to the wire” followed up, before you could say – WHEN WILL THIS CRAP BE AXED – with “It doesn’t get better than this” and “It’s all Good”. Now I don’t know what exactly constitutes Marcia’s record collection but if someone can convince me that one of these overrated singing clowns is musically worth more than three seconds of an Antonio Carlos Jobim melody, on Jobim’s worst day, then I will get down on my knees and lick Courtney’s armpit sweat off the dance floor.
COURTNEY THE CABBAGE PATCH DOLL
SONG ONE
Kicking off with Queen’s “Somebody to Love” - The Pissed Off Eye at Mark Holden for a Criticised Guy – Big Courts gave us more regurgitated slops from the Murphy music kitchen with a Porkmanlike working of an average Queen song. The vocal was not aided by a too loud percussion section and the whole thing sounded like it was emanating from deep within a garbage can. Fashion-wise, Porkney was the quintessential Lowes Menswear Ad and choreographically, this was an act in desperate need of Greg Norman’s golf cart. 4/10.
Marcia soldiered on oblivious to the Guinness Book of World Record Rep seated in the front row. One more cliché and Marcia sets a new mark. “At this point in time”, and “With all due respect” brought her agonisingly close.
SONG TWO
Bryan Adams vocal style ad nauseam, this time in the form of Paul McCartney’s touching “My Love”. We got the standard interpretation – as done the karaoke world over - nothing inventive. Once again the percussion was too loud and the overall musical arrangement wall of sound was an annoyance. Sung competently enough but Porkney gets a point deducted for his comment that he knew the song was “daggy”. 4/10
CAKESTACKS DONUTVAN
SONG ONE
The other big karaoke heavyweight, second semitrailer off the rank with Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain”. One of the most repulsive, kebab reflux interpretations of a song I have had the displeasure of listening to. Donutvan totally missed the power of Simon’s subtlety in expressing her own true life feelings and instead chose to screw up her face to grotesque extremes and ram the song message home like a runaway Sherman tank over the testicles. This had all the feel and sincerity of a WWF wrestler goading an opponent. Holden gave away another silly totally unwarranted touchdown but this show is sinking to such low levels that I guess they have to try anything now. 2/10
SONG TWO
After a shocking opening number, Cakestacks blasted her way back into contention with an excellent crafting of “Misty Blue”. Beautiful song sung with exquisite control and variation in the right places. Out of all the remanining singers – Casey, when she sings well, has the most pure, dulcet tone.
Clearly the best work of the night whilst the bizarre Marcia suggested the song needed more grunt. SHUT UP MARCIA. 7/10
THE LYGON SHETLAND
SONG ONE
After being dislodged in the mounting yard from She’s Archie at last Tuesday’s Melbourne Cup, a limping Anthony courageously fronted for this week’s show and Toto’s “Hold the Line” was the strategy for the first plan of attack in his quest to make the Opera House Final. Not having listened or either not having been told about his much publicised annoying mike-tapping, Shetland tapped on in with a musical diction grab direct from the handbook of Millsy Mills “Starn in the wee that you worm me”. Sounded like a bloke gargling his ball nuts in a glass of listermint. 5/10
SONG TWO
Trust the Shetland to try his luck with this melodramatic Paul Simon saccharine trip. Essendon Lawn Bowls Association welcomes to centre stage, Mr Anthony Callea, the Robbie Williams Mini Me Wannabe. Peter Cupples sings Dennis Walter sings Anthony Warlow – a sickening phlegmatic concoction strained through Marina Prior’s Bonds, awful, yelling, light and shadeless free plug for Excecutive B anti stress pills. 3/10.
TO GO: It’s time to be winched out of the house Porkney.
