Post by Pinkline Jones on Jun 3, 2004 14:16:52 GMT 10
Simply the worst talent show I have ever seen - the makers of Australian Idol would certainly not be losing any sleep here but instead taking advantage of Channel 7's free laughter therapy.
Presenter Luke Jacobz (another talking hamster poured out of the Big Talent Can of the Forgettable) announced that the winner of this putrid mess would be assured of "a glittering career in show business". Well I suppose if entertaining the old deaf retirees at the Schofields Sailing Club - and co-hosting the meat tray raffle counts as "glittering" then that's just great. But if they had more exciting plans in mind then sorry guys but you know - as they say - at least dreams are for free.
Let her rip Boris! Cross now to the sensational finalists: The Humblemeister complete with regulation trace of facial hair, Mr Cool Kayne Taylor up against Scruffy Murphy's pretty good looking sister and sometimes reasonably pleasant sounding Miranda.
The judges are ready to nod their heads in agreement at any moment - to relay a clear message to the TV audience that these two finalists before us are simply the most talented people we've seen in decades - well at least since the chap from Greenacre who successfully stuck his arm up a chook. Oh look folks there's the old sleepy-eyed waffler Molly Meldrum, Trevor someone or other and Shauna Jetson (the Madeleine Albright of vocal discipline).
Let's tune in the spotlight!
First up - Miranda with a seductively crap ordinary version of "Close to You" - sung in the typical American twang. Diction problem didn't help - Now I'm shot to schindlers in my left ear but was I hearing "I'm toast to you" or "I'm hosed to you" or "I'm host to you"? She can be toast to me if she wants (with polyunflabbergasted margarine) but just as long as she never sings that song as she throws up on me outside the kebab shop. 4/10
Kane T then answers Miranda with his own brand of regurgitation catalyst - can't even remember what it was but only slightly better than Miranda's toast song. 6/10
But hey it was about to turn really really exciting as the singers returned with an original each:
Miranda Toast Girl "thrilled" us... into a coma with the truly tragic "That Girl" - the exposed belly was nice and jeans looked good but a terrible song laced with intermittent silly grimaces was not going to cut it in her quest to avoid the Nikki Webster K Mart fashion road to oblivion. 2/10
So out comes Kane to go through the motions with a nearly as forgettable co-written number called "Heartbreaker" - about fifty million light years down on another song of the same name penned by Bazza Gibb. Nuthin but a heartbreaker and nuthin but a song in search of a lyric and melody. Terrible but Kane would have had to "fall over" surely to lose from here. 1/10.
Kane eases down to win this battle by one point.
Then to prove to any doubters that she's no dodgy vocal taskmeistress - out comes Shauna Jetson with a dynamic version of "..... Like a Natural Woman" I'm sure she did feel like a natural woman cause she sure looked like one - with an extra one and a half other women thrown in.
The votes are in and the talking hamster annoints Kane with the title "King of the Popstars". The crowd goes wild and then just when we thought we didn't deserve any more - our senses are shattered by the the most inept ensemble in the history of the music world - all the losers were there including the laughably atrocious "Eleven", the sound was shocking and musical arrangement with all the panache of an uncoordinated clash of dysfunctional garbage tin lids.
So from today you can hear Kane singing "Heartbreaker" on your groovy FM station whilst we're assured that "we haven't heard the last from" Miranda Murphy. Perhaps she will team up with Cosima de Nodules or strategically put herself in the picture even better by simply pashing cheeky Mills. Talk about a country with an over supply of talent. Um yeah and no...it's not Australia!
PINKLINE JONES
Australia's Leading Social Critic Supports Whipless Racing
Presenter Luke Jacobz (another talking hamster poured out of the Big Talent Can of the Forgettable) announced that the winner of this putrid mess would be assured of "a glittering career in show business". Well I suppose if entertaining the old deaf retirees at the Schofields Sailing Club - and co-hosting the meat tray raffle counts as "glittering" then that's just great. But if they had more exciting plans in mind then sorry guys but you know - as they say - at least dreams are for free.
Let her rip Boris! Cross now to the sensational finalists: The Humblemeister complete with regulation trace of facial hair, Mr Cool Kayne Taylor up against Scruffy Murphy's pretty good looking sister and sometimes reasonably pleasant sounding Miranda.
The judges are ready to nod their heads in agreement at any moment - to relay a clear message to the TV audience that these two finalists before us are simply the most talented people we've seen in decades - well at least since the chap from Greenacre who successfully stuck his arm up a chook. Oh look folks there's the old sleepy-eyed waffler Molly Meldrum, Trevor someone or other and Shauna Jetson (the Madeleine Albright of vocal discipline).
Let's tune in the spotlight!
First up - Miranda with a seductively crap ordinary version of "Close to You" - sung in the typical American twang. Diction problem didn't help - Now I'm shot to schindlers in my left ear but was I hearing "I'm toast to you" or "I'm hosed to you" or "I'm host to you"? She can be toast to me if she wants (with polyunflabbergasted margarine) but just as long as she never sings that song as she throws up on me outside the kebab shop. 4/10
Kane T then answers Miranda with his own brand of regurgitation catalyst - can't even remember what it was but only slightly better than Miranda's toast song. 6/10
But hey it was about to turn really really exciting as the singers returned with an original each:
Miranda Toast Girl "thrilled" us... into a coma with the truly tragic "That Girl" - the exposed belly was nice and jeans looked good but a terrible song laced with intermittent silly grimaces was not going to cut it in her quest to avoid the Nikki Webster K Mart fashion road to oblivion. 2/10
So out comes Kane to go through the motions with a nearly as forgettable co-written number called "Heartbreaker" - about fifty million light years down on another song of the same name penned by Bazza Gibb. Nuthin but a heartbreaker and nuthin but a song in search of a lyric and melody. Terrible but Kane would have had to "fall over" surely to lose from here. 1/10.
Kane eases down to win this battle by one point.
Then to prove to any doubters that she's no dodgy vocal taskmeistress - out comes Shauna Jetson with a dynamic version of "..... Like a Natural Woman" I'm sure she did feel like a natural woman cause she sure looked like one - with an extra one and a half other women thrown in.
The votes are in and the talking hamster annoints Kane with the title "King of the Popstars". The crowd goes wild and then just when we thought we didn't deserve any more - our senses are shattered by the the most inept ensemble in the history of the music world - all the losers were there including the laughably atrocious "Eleven", the sound was shocking and musical arrangement with all the panache of an uncoordinated clash of dysfunctional garbage tin lids.
So from today you can hear Kane singing "Heartbreaker" on your groovy FM station whilst we're assured that "we haven't heard the last from" Miranda Murphy. Perhaps she will team up with Cosima de Nodules or strategically put herself in the picture even better by simply pashing cheeky Mills. Talk about a country with an over supply of talent. Um yeah and no...it's not Australia!
PINKLINE JONES
Australia's Leading Social Critic Supports Whipless Racing
