Post by Pinkline Jones on Oct 12, 2003 21:41:12 GMT 10
Its good to see some consistency creeping in now as we near the “business end” of Channel 10’s Karaoke Spectacular. Last week Farting Mills and Levi’s Swimming Cap produced the two undeniable stinkeroonie performances of the night and they’ve not let the critics down - two more poopy performances - same crap – only with different coloured kebab wrappers. So the latest mess went down this way:
SHANNON CONDOBLIN HITCHHIKE
The Condoblin Kid with the annoying hairy chin growth - kicked off the 80s theme edition with Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer”. Shannon chose to sing in the wrong key just to change the pace a bit this week and the result was a low register, ORDinary, monotonous Tour de Torture - winding it up in the “home straight” with a screeching Barnseyesque passage of toilet bowl shattering vocal rage. Notice the sign the fan/s had in the audience “Concord Pharmacy Loves Shannon” – that’s due to the money they’re making from Shannon’s victims i.e. the audience- which can no longer endure his performances without the aid of anti psychotic drugs. 4/10
THE SENSATIONAL PAULINI JONES
The sensational Paulini turned the standard on its head with another top performance – Aretha Franklin’s “Freeway of Love” – maybe I’m unfamiliar with this song but I found it a little confusing in parts – but I presume she knew what she was doing as there was certainly no objection from the judges. Maybe better last week but still too good for this lot. Anyway – she just gets the top mark no matter what she does. 8/10.
LEVI SWIMMING CAP
Mr Swimming Cap Head burst onto the stage with renewed vigour – performing the non-song “Every Little Step” written by someone called Bobby Brown (Bobby – don’t give up your day job). After being almost dumped last week The Swimming Cap threw everything in the ring – he was stripping off shirts, dropping the underpants, diving into the audience, tongue kissing grandmothers – but when all was said and done – it was another BOOOORING unimaginative one dimensional display. Once again the second worst performance of the night. Marcia said “well done” …maybe she really meant “well…..you’re done”….confusing at times. Holds reckons he's better than Selwyn and that's good to know because Selwyn is the only person I've ever seen on a Carols night butcher "The Little Drummer Boy" 3.5/10
COSIMA NO SUNLINE KNEES
Well Cosima is trying hard to glamour up her act – wearing a pink lampshade cover this week and leaving her legs exposed. I don’t mean to be rude but they ain’t no Sunline or Steffi Graf legs I’m sorry to say. Cosima would do best to not try to look glamorous because its not working for me and I’m sure many others. I am not suggesting a yashmak but definitely lose the trying to be sexy routine. Cosima let fly with Tina Turner’s “What’s Being Married to a Dropkick Got to do with It” – think she’s started attending Shannon’s karaoke venue cause that’s what it sounded like. Sometimes when she opens her mouth it looks like she’s going to start crying. A partly annoying performance but still better than most. 6/10
FARTING MILLS
Millsy was out to produce a big one tonight (and I hear that the warm up room had to be evacuated as a health precaution) following on from his putrid performance last Sunday. Millsy mentioned that he took the screams from the teenage idiot girls in the audience to mean that he had nailed last week’s song. Umm – no Millsy no – those chicks would cheer a video clip of a sheep's bowel movement. Millsy’s planned Resurrection song was the pitiful 1927 effort “If Arkard Da Airnarthing Ard do if Are you?”. Now during the song I had to check my ears for excess wax build up and also check to see that I’d taken my daily medication BECAUSE I swear to god I could not understand a damned word this guy was singing! Can someone please translate this bit “IF ARKERD FRA ARD FRAR UP A STAR FAR EWE IF ARKAR DAR”. Wh Wh What? I quite like Kiswahili but this was something from another planet. Dicko was the ONLY judge who got it right – Wrong song choice – there are heaps of better songs that Millsy could have chosen from and Dicko was right although Holds lashed out and called Dicko a “dickhead”. If Holden wants to learn what a dickhead is maybe he should replay the tape of himself trying to sing “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”. 3/10
GUY CAT STRANGLER
Good to see Guy trim up a few of his roaming locks but I thought my mind was playing tricks on me for a second – Guy appeared to have turned into a cross between Richard Clapton and Yoko Ono and I’ve gotta say he sounded only marginally better than the latter. Guy looked like a schoolboy on dress up day. But let’s not get too nasty – consider the song – Poonce’s moving heart strings-tugging “When Cats Die”.
During the song I knew I was being reminded of something from my childhood….and then it came to me….Guy’s vocals sound like a lawnmower that won’t start. Now all we need next week is for the lawnmower to run over the cat and his place in music history will be assured. Unbelievably though the second best performance of the night which is a bit of a worry. 6.5/10
Who will go tomorrow night. Should be Millsy or Levi or Shannon but it DEFINITELY won’t be Paulini that’s for sure.
...I'M PINKLINE JONES
SHANNON CONDOBLIN HITCHHIKE
The Condoblin Kid with the annoying hairy chin growth - kicked off the 80s theme edition with Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer”. Shannon chose to sing in the wrong key just to change the pace a bit this week and the result was a low register, ORDinary, monotonous Tour de Torture - winding it up in the “home straight” with a screeching Barnseyesque passage of toilet bowl shattering vocal rage. Notice the sign the fan/s had in the audience “Concord Pharmacy Loves Shannon” – that’s due to the money they’re making from Shannon’s victims i.e. the audience- which can no longer endure his performances without the aid of anti psychotic drugs. 4/10
THE SENSATIONAL PAULINI JONES
The sensational Paulini turned the standard on its head with another top performance – Aretha Franklin’s “Freeway of Love” – maybe I’m unfamiliar with this song but I found it a little confusing in parts – but I presume she knew what she was doing as there was certainly no objection from the judges. Maybe better last week but still too good for this lot. Anyway – she just gets the top mark no matter what she does. 8/10.
LEVI SWIMMING CAP
Mr Swimming Cap Head burst onto the stage with renewed vigour – performing the non-song “Every Little Step” written by someone called Bobby Brown (Bobby – don’t give up your day job). After being almost dumped last week The Swimming Cap threw everything in the ring – he was stripping off shirts, dropping the underpants, diving into the audience, tongue kissing grandmothers – but when all was said and done – it was another BOOOORING unimaginative one dimensional display. Once again the second worst performance of the night. Marcia said “well done” …maybe she really meant “well…..you’re done”….confusing at times. Holds reckons he's better than Selwyn and that's good to know because Selwyn is the only person I've ever seen on a Carols night butcher "The Little Drummer Boy" 3.5/10
COSIMA NO SUNLINE KNEES
Well Cosima is trying hard to glamour up her act – wearing a pink lampshade cover this week and leaving her legs exposed. I don’t mean to be rude but they ain’t no Sunline or Steffi Graf legs I’m sorry to say. Cosima would do best to not try to look glamorous because its not working for me and I’m sure many others. I am not suggesting a yashmak but definitely lose the trying to be sexy routine. Cosima let fly with Tina Turner’s “What’s Being Married to a Dropkick Got to do with It” – think she’s started attending Shannon’s karaoke venue cause that’s what it sounded like. Sometimes when she opens her mouth it looks like she’s going to start crying. A partly annoying performance but still better than most. 6/10
FARTING MILLS
Millsy was out to produce a big one tonight (and I hear that the warm up room had to be evacuated as a health precaution) following on from his putrid performance last Sunday. Millsy mentioned that he took the screams from the teenage idiot girls in the audience to mean that he had nailed last week’s song. Umm – no Millsy no – those chicks would cheer a video clip of a sheep's bowel movement. Millsy’s planned Resurrection song was the pitiful 1927 effort “If Arkard Da Airnarthing Ard do if Are you?”. Now during the song I had to check my ears for excess wax build up and also check to see that I’d taken my daily medication BECAUSE I swear to god I could not understand a damned word this guy was singing! Can someone please translate this bit “IF ARKERD FRA ARD FRAR UP A STAR FAR EWE IF ARKAR DAR”. Wh Wh What? I quite like Kiswahili but this was something from another planet. Dicko was the ONLY judge who got it right – Wrong song choice – there are heaps of better songs that Millsy could have chosen from and Dicko was right although Holds lashed out and called Dicko a “dickhead”. If Holden wants to learn what a dickhead is maybe he should replay the tape of himself trying to sing “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”. 3/10
GUY CAT STRANGLER
Good to see Guy trim up a few of his roaming locks but I thought my mind was playing tricks on me for a second – Guy appeared to have turned into a cross between Richard Clapton and Yoko Ono and I’ve gotta say he sounded only marginally better than the latter. Guy looked like a schoolboy on dress up day. But let’s not get too nasty – consider the song – Poonce’s moving heart strings-tugging “When Cats Die”.
During the song I knew I was being reminded of something from my childhood….and then it came to me….Guy’s vocals sound like a lawnmower that won’t start. Now all we need next week is for the lawnmower to run over the cat and his place in music history will be assured. Unbelievably though the second best performance of the night which is a bit of a worry. 6.5/10
Who will go tomorrow night. Should be Millsy or Levi or Shannon but it DEFINITELY won’t be Paulini that’s for sure.
...I'M PINKLINE JONES