Boom Boom Crack Sizzle Cascade and four thousand sacrificed hospital beds later who cares – we’ve had our fireworks fix so there! Insert the expected diabolical singing, ego stroking, five thousand semi-literate screaming teen morons, a roll of red carpet trailing from the bowels of the Opera House and what do you have – the Finale of Australian Idol. The gist of this TV sham is best summed up by strategically placed words on the cover of arguably the world’s worst newspaper, the Daily Telegraph. The “IT'S ATROCIOUS" headline (relating to Sydney’s rail network problem) boomed out over the top of the colour photo of Casey’s crowning moment. Nice one.
LAURENCE SORBELLO
First entertainer to mangle our eardrums was Lee Kernaghan’s love child, the cotton pickin baccy chewin, Laurence Sorbello - Bullamakanka’s finest. And with our beautiful Opera House behind this atrocious warbler – got to say , never seen a more unfitting backdrop in my life. “Weer the Boys frarm the Bush”. That’s great Laurence – now please go back and STAY there. 0/10
FLYNN
Hey we can’t let our American friends get too far ahead of us with wacky marketing ideas. The Yanks offered up the sensational let’s laugh at the funny Asian with funny enunciation - we present to you Willie Hung whilst Australia jumped on the bland wagon with an undernourished bobbing toilet duck of a catastrophe in the shape of the hideous hideous "Flynn". Backed by an ensemble of The Who Cares Dance Troupe – nothing was going to save this mess. “Push Up Push Up”. Vocally dreadful and about as humorous as a jug of boiling water down a landmine victim’s underpants. 0/10
NGAIIRE JOSEPH
Well once you’ve got the downhill momentum up better keep not compromise it and the screaming, howling Joseph warmed our already devastated senses (like an acid bath) with a three minute bowel movement of utter junk. Brandishing a microphone which was clearly too big for her body and not being able to understand a word of what she was singing – perhaps an opportune time for this young lady to read a few manuals on the art of subtlety as she prepares for the next series. 0/10
AUSSIE IDOL TOP 30 SUPER GROUP
“Celebration”. Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome to the stage, The Australian PhilaCOCOPHONIC Orchestra for the Patently Deluded. What in god’s name? 0/10
BEATBOX
At last – some real entertainment in the rhythmical madness form of the Beatbox contest winners JUMP JUMP BOUNCE BOUNCE - super entertainment. One of the few highlights. 8/10
MARCIA HINES
Very disappointing to see Marcia follow on from her last year’s forgettable song choice by choosing to run with an equally crappy immemorable dance number. Dreadful song and very irritating that for the second year in a row we don’t get to see a tenth of her vocal capability. Obviously trying to look hip for the younger market. No doubting Marcia’s credentials but the segment was a 2/10 job.
THE TOP 12
Wasn’t in just wonderful to see the all starts back on centre stage, Big Angie (one of the class acts of the night), The Abysmal O’Connor, the pathetic Amali Ward, painfully ordinary Emelie Hanson, eternally bewildered Denial Tracksuit, Ricki Lee’s Thunder Thighs, The Beady Eyed cue ball, Chunnel’s Sex Show, Hardly Jorgensen, and Blind Freddie knew that, Mr Porkney Cabbage Patch.
A rousing Aussie tribute, bit of Friday on My Mind, a little Divinyls - yes indeed a fine line anymore between pleasure and pain and we got plenty of the latter with Dan O’Connor’s cheeky brand of S Bend blockage gurgling. Leave it up to an unshaven Cat Strangler Sebaceous to inject some class with his snippet of Waltzing Matilda to wind it all up.
The tension, the excitement – wow!! Let’s cross to Uncle Don’s Sheltered Workshop in Melbourne, housing a legion of manic Callea fans. And what a lovely touch to hear from Johnny Young. Back in Sydney, roving reporter, the rough and tough Angela Bishop was feeling right at home in the heart of Casey home turf – Bankstown. Bishop, extremely capable of outstaring an enraged Brahman bull was certainly quite comfortable with her surrounds.
The standard words of encouragement to our Channel Ten-acclaimed “outstanding” finalists came in the form of Squealer Arena whose current favourite word to abuse is “incredibly”, more toffee blah blah from Miss Kylie Poshfaker, another defiantly unfunny Jimeoin moment, wank clank from the khaki-clad shameless Howard-loving crocodile hunter Steve Irwin, and a bizarre talk on estrogen from Sophie Monk – obviously confused with the recent silicon upgrade to her brain.
As we wound down towards the big announcement - The Lygon Shetland thrilled the fans with a repeat performance of his big song moment “The Prayer” whilst Cakestacks hammered us with “Symphony of Love”.
But the result was never in doubt. Ultimately, Callea’s manufactured style did him no favours whilst Casey’s refreshing angle and ability to interpret was once again emphasised by her excellent singing of the Idol Winner’s debut single.
Congratulations Cakestacks Donutvan!!!
Good night Anthony
Good night John….
Close your eyes and Nikki Webster will kiss you, tomorrow, we won't miss you...